When we people please, we abandon ourselves. We proclaim with our actions that our needs are not as important as the needs of others, a decision often made unilaterally on everyone else’s behalf. We also make ourselves the universal arbiters of what’s acceptable and what is not, even though it is not our job to do so.
At firstglance, people pleasing appears to come from a place of generosity andselflessness – we are willing to sacrifice our own desires for those of theother. Viewed another way, however, it is stubborn and fearful – we areunwilling to accept reality as it is, and instead forcibly rearrange it to suitour preference.
There issome real magic available to us and others if we are willing to curtail peoplepleasing and establish and maintain strong boundaries:
For us:
- More energy
- More joy
- More peace
For others:
- More opportunities to evolve by handling their own stuff
- More clarity about your preferences and needs
- More chances to support you
So how canwe move out of people pleasing and into strong boundary-keeping?
First, identify and establish yourboundaries. What is your responsibility, and what belongs to others?
Second, continually reinforce to yourself thevalue and legitimacy of your own needs. They are real, valid, and worthprotecting.
Third, in any given situation in which youare tempted to people please, ask whether it is your responsibility to do so,and if not, allow disappointment to happen without intervening to prevent it.Take a deep breath, and allow.
Finally, keep track of the results of yourforbearance – it’s quite likely that things did not turn out as badly as youthought they would.
Here aresome journal prompts for you to explore how people pleasing shows up in yourlife:
- I most frequently find myself people pleasing…[describe situationswhen your tendency arises]
- If I didn’t people please in this situation, I am afraid that…[describe what youthink would happen if you didn’t people please]
- When I people please in this situation, the impact on me is…[describe how yourpeople pleasing behaviour affects you]
- To establish a stronger boundary in this situation, I could…[explain how itwould look for you to put a stronger boundary in place]
- With the energy I save by not people pleasing in this situation, I could…[imagine how youcould use the freed up energy from people pleasing in a way that is beneficialto you]
Remember, ourneeds are valid and we are worthy of love and respect even if we refuse to putanother person’s wishes above our own. Further, other people deserve theopportunity to respect our boundaries and to support us every once in a while –let’s give them the space to do that.